Friday, April 20, 2007

Feeling Alone

This was written last year during the last weeks that I was in the house in Kansas City. I was . . . well, I think it explains itself.

~ ~ ~

It’s one of those restless nights.
I’ve slept, the short sleep of the early evening
then awakened with thoughts whirling in my head
and blocking the return to slumber.
So many thoughts, so many things
I feel I should decide or solve or change.
Or whatever.
My life is so unsettled.
Nothing is as it should be.
And I’m so tired.

I’m tired for the lack of sleep,
for the physical work,
for the emotional longing to be part of something,
for the fear I feel about the future
or the sadness for the past.

Perhaps most of all
is the fear about decisions
I must make alone.

I t seems this state of discontent is endless.

I see a challenge and try to follow its course
but before I see the end
it disappears into a fog.
And then I feel swallowed in the haze, as well.
I’ll remain there
until something reaches far enough
to grab me and pull me out of the mire.
What drags me from there may be a memory,
reminding me that I want to create new ones,
or encountering a task that I can’t walk around,
or, on the better days,
the voice of a friend
giving me the human contact.

But now, in the night,

the memories haunt me,
the tasks are out of sight
and the friends are asleep.

~ ~ ~


Loving Annie said...

Thank you for stating the truh, Lynilu.... That there are times when even when you see what your options can be, there are still moments without hope. It is good to acknowledge that we can feel stuck or lost -- and don't always have to move out of it. Sometimes I think you have to feel the hurt to heal it. You can't just 'fix' it with your brain right away and gloss over it. That the process includes sorrow as well as resolute looking forward... There is a balance to being there...

Lynilu said...

Annie - This was a period when I was working hard to come to grips with many things in my life, and the aloneness that I experienced was powerful and brought me to my knees many times. But no one could do it for me; no one could even really help me. I just had to muddle through. And now, I'm stronger for it, happier with my life than I ever imagined, and at peace. Thanks for the comment.

my said...

One of your friends is awake,reading your words quietly.
And he believe you have a beautiful life.

Lynilu said...

My - It is always good to know that my friend is reading ... and hearing me. My life is beautiful. It is more so with each new day.

_Soulless_ said...

This resonates through me, making me reflect on my own life and the many 'deaths' (of self, of memories) along the way. Most of all, the following lines...

What drags me from there may be a memory,
reminding me that I want to create new ones

...will certainly linger in my mind. For the thought, to me, is new; I would like to be 'that' hopeful. In all sincerity.

Thank you for sharing this. Be blessed. Dream well.

Lynilu said...

Soulless - Ah, thank you for the comment. You have reminded me that I have been negligent on this blog, so I'll post something new soon. I took a quick look at your blog; I'll return later for another, longer look. I liked what I saw.